I am going to college part time in the evenings working toward an Information Technology degree in an effort to transition into a new field with my agency. Some of the personal reflective writing assignments started breaking me down emotionally. By the end of the term, I felt like I had been run through a blender. I felt raw and it became clear there were unresolved hurts and feelings from a childhood riddled with trauma – and drama.
I never dared to commit my past to an art journal page before, but it seemed like a natural expression – a way to process things and a way for me to connect with God’s role in this drama.
Without a clear definition of what my past looked like, I just started the page … I knew God would lead me if I dared to follow. I placed strips of painters tape down the length of the page. I’ve never done vertical stripes, but it seemed important to have harsh vertical lines. The color ended up being quite important. Anyone who really knows me -- knows red is not my color. Red represents blood … anger … hatred … vengeance … and not necessarily my own – but it is the color of my past.
It took a few days for the layout to gel, but it seemed we were victims of a terrible puppet master – with the puppet master being a 17-year old girl. She was filled with anger, hatred, and most of all … malice; malice toward my father. She used anything and anyone (including her own family) to seek revenge against my father for an act he never committed. The rest of us were all puppets -- meant to inspire suffering upon suffering.
Where was God in all this? I can’t say exactly how he worked in my family’s life, but He protected me … and eventually He delivered a justice that only He had the power to orchestrate. There was no talk of God in our household --- most of us had never even set foot in a church and yet, as a 5-year old girl, I knew instinctively that only God could save me and that I must pray.
In recent months I have come to realize what a masterful hand He had – knowing each of us, how much we could bear, and how best to protect us while providing us life experience. And for me personally – my childhood suffering has yielded opportunity for a lifetime of growth. Accepting Christ into my life has meant at last, the puppet master strings of my past have been severed.
These are a few lines of a personal psalm I wrote, so to God I must say:
I exalt Your Majesty
For renewal and healing
Emancipating me from the shackles of the shadows
Karen, this piece is amazing. Yes, you are a gifted artist, but I'm referring to your gift and ability to use your art to convey a message, to convey what's in your heart and soul. The art itself is beautiful, but the message is much more striking.
ReplyDeleteI admire you so much for having the courage to share your heart and soul on this new blog. I also understand that God is providing you with that courage, but even so, kudos to you for taking this step and for accepting his help and guidance.
I look forward to reading this blog, because I'm sure that you, and God, have much to teach me. And an honest view into your heart and soul will help me know you better.
Thank you for being so brave and being willing to be vulnerable and honest. So many of us out here aren't that brave. But you are, and I admire you so much for that. And I'm certain God will bless you for doing this, and also bless those of us who read your blog and view your art.
This is wonderful. The art, the emotion, and the freedom from this stronghold in your past. I'm proud of you and blessed to be your new friend. I know I'll learn a lot from you.
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